The days of feeling empty and alone have become quite consecutive; constantly spending Monday as if its Thursday, only to find out that my brain is just trying to get ahead, hoping that within a few days things will be better.
Night has come yet again and I began to reflect life of the past, thinking of all the great things that has happened and how loud I’ve laughed with all the people that were happy to be around me. The guilt starts to pour in, because I feel that I’m not satisfied... I mean, aren’t there people out there far more worse than I,; shouldn’t I be grateful for it all?
My voice arises to combat for sympathy, “This is my life, this is all I have, don’t I deserve to be happy, shouldn’t I receive at least a few things I’ve prayed for?” . Quickly I’m over shadowed by the wise intellect pouring from the inner knowing, reminding me that all things come in due time, : “Don’t you remember all the times you thought you were ready and months later you realized you weren’t well equipped.”
Sitting in silence, I try my hardest to ‘be’... be nothing, be there, yet without feelings or wants; without doubts. An invisible note drops down over my nose, it has listed everything I’ve planned, asked for and cried over, signed sincerely ‘we haven’t forgotten, never have we ignored.’ My angels sure do know how to comfort me, despite how much of a brat I am.
Laying there in the dark, I breath out a few more dramatic sighs. Sirens sound by in the distance and I grow curious if its really someone in need out there or is it just the corrupt cops too impatient to wait at a red light again. This world is so busy, Its odd to think that I even matter, honestly; would God go out of his way for me?
Shifting to the cooler spot in the bed, I began thinking of all the dreams I’ve yearned for, wishing I didn’t have such thoughts, because its painful to be let down. Another deep sigh flows out, blinking slow and heavy, finally I cozy up to fall into a slumber.
"SO THIS IS WHAT YOU’RE UP TO!!!?!??” .
My heart ached with fear, I didn’t know whether to grab my chest or cover my ears. With my eyes searching around for the human yelling in the room, I reach for the knife on my nightstand. I sit, paralyzed waiting for a sound of movement. There is no one. Jumping out of the bed, I head towards the light switch and end up tripping over the rain boots that I kicked off hours ago.
The voice echo’s out again , “I spent extra hours on your eyes, you know, placed every mole upon your skin, synchronizing them with the stars in the sky. Oh, but your brain, your mind, your imagination, the sacred vision, THAT was my favorite and most complex addition unto your personal creation.”
Wide eyed, I look up, rubbing my soon-to-be bruised chin from the fall. Everything was so bright, I couldn’t make out the image standing over me. While wincing at the booming voice, I find myself feeling at ease.
“Stand up, I’ve just come to give you a good shaking, as you’ve been yearning for.”
I rise to my feet; straight as a board, I almost decide to salute, not knowing how to react. I let my mouth open take the space of silence, “Im so sorry for always being so ungrateful and complaining, and falling into simple sin so often, last Saturday I know I upset you when-’
“My Child ! I’ve seen and heard it all, and much much worse from others, nevermind all the small test I put you through. I want to know if your heart is still strong, do you still want to do the things we planned? You seem as if you’re growing weary and I promise you, things will not get any easier the further you go ; not until you make it home will peace be restored. Sure I can provide all you need and yes we both know of the victory in the end, however, you seem to take the long routes by thinking they are short cuts. Although time has an ordered existence, we still need to make elite choices.”
Looking down at my feet, I bite my bottom lip, knowing exactly what the words mean.. “I apologize for giving the illusion that what was written would live to be undone. I assure you that I will immediately dispose of the hidden things numbing my faith, my progress and my integrity; therefore will I gain back my vision, motivation and power to open the book.”
A loud genuine laugh rained over me. “Fair Enough”, he says. My shoulders were instantly grabbed and a gentle, yet vicious shaking lasted all just but of several seconds. With my eyes squeezed shut to withstand the dizziness, I felt a kiss on my forehead , followed by a kiss on my lips. Opening my eyes, I found myself alone again. I picked up my rain boot and threw it in the closet, still thinking about my chin. Grabbing a pillow from my bed, I shove it in my face and scream into it, afterwards, flopping down over my sheets. Laying limp with smile on my face, I fell fast awake.